OT: Bad Joke Time

OT: Bad Joke Time

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  • There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!"
  • Discussion
  • Image result for disappointed gif
  • How do you get a witch pregnant?

    You **** her!

  • Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.

    The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp.

    Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”

    The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.”

    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

    Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”

    “What! Two assholes?” asked the mortician.

    “Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”

  • What did the dumbass say right before he died?

    "Hey everybody, watch this!"




  • A Nun’s Bad Day of Golf



    A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 

    ‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior . 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’ 

    'It was,’ sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’ 

    'I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’ 

    'Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’ 

    'Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!’ 

    'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green….and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’ 

    'Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’ 

    'No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’ 

    'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother. 

    'But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’ 

    'So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile. 

    'Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!’ 

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… 

    'You missed the f#(king putt, didn’t you?’
  • Patient: Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home

    Doctor: Sounds like Ton Jones Syndrome

    Patient: Is it common?

    Doctor: It's not unusual

     

    Or

    A man takes his dog to the vet and  says my dog is cross eyed, can you do anything for him?

    The vet says lets take a look. So he picks up the dog and looks at his eyes, ears and teeth. After a minute he tells the man I am going to have to put him down.

    WHAT the man exclaims, because his eyes are crossed?

    The vet replies no because he's really heavy.

  • Two elderly women were out for a Sunday drive in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through, and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

  • A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing set."

  • A horse walks into a bar. 

    Bartender says "why the long face"

  • A boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a homework assignment. When his father asks him what it's on he tells him he has to describe the difference between theory and reality.

    Father replies, "You want to know the difference between theory & reality, huh?... Ok, go upstairs and ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    So the son goes upstairs and a few minutes later comes back down. "Dad, Mom said Yes, she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    Ok, go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    So the son goes upstairs and a few minutes later comes back down. "Dad, Marissa said Yes, she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    Dad says, "Well there ya go son. In theory we're sitting on two million dollars... In reality, we just live with a bunch of whores!"

  • Why was the bicycle laying on it's side?

    It was 2 tired.

  • What did Mike Tyson say after he walked into a strip club half an hour after it closed?

    "Hey, why yew guyth clothed?"

  • BrownsFan1313 wrote: A horse walks into a bar. 

    Bartender says "why the long face"

    Man walkes into a bar. The second one ducks. 

  • NYBrownsFan wrote:

    A boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a homework assignment. When his father asks him what it's on he tells him he has to describe the difference between theory and reality.

    Father replies, "You want to know the difference between theory & reality, huh?... Ok, go upstairs and ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    So the son goes upstairs and a few minutes later comes back down. "Dad, Mom said Yes, she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    Ok, go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    So the son goes upstairs and a few minutes later comes back down. "Dad, Marissa said Yes, she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    Dad says, "Well there ya go son. In theory we're sitting on two million dollars... In reality, we just live with a bunch of whores!"

    ...in reality men would doit for less than half of that.

  • I'll do you all a favor and spare you that one.

    This post was edited by Harpster 1 year ago

  • A bear walks into a bar and eats a woman sitting near the bartender.

    Bartender: "You killed her and now your on drugs!"
    Bear: "What drugs?"
    Bartender: "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate."

  • shavendawg wrote:
    BrownsFan1313 wrote: A horse walks into a bar. 

    Bartender says "why the long face"

    Man walkes into a bar. The second one ducks. 

    A dyslexic man walked into a bra

  • An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devotedwife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife, "Don't Ernest!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

  • "With the 22nd pick, the Cleveland Browns select..."

  • What's yellow and lays in a tree?  ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Tweetie the whore.

  • Joe goes hunting for his first time ever one day with his buddies.  They're deep in the woods.  Nature suddenly calls and Joe has to empty his bowels.

    "Where do I go?" he asks his friends.  One says "Go over there by that tree."

    "But what should I use for toilet paper?" Joe asks.

    "Use a dollar," one of the friends replies.

    Joe hurries over behind the tree, takes care of business, and walks back towards his friends.

    Except there's sh*t all over his fingers.

    "Itold you to use a dollar," his friend exclaims.

    "I did," replies Joe.  "Three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel."

  • Why did the pony have to withdraw from the singing competition?
    He was a little hoarse.

    What do you call cheese that's someone else's?
    Nacho cheese

    What is brown and sticky?
    A stick.

    What do you call a psychic midget on the run from the law?
    A small medium at large

    Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar?
    He got 12 months.

  • Edwardson wrote:

    NYBrownsFan wrote:

    A boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a homework assignment. When his father asks him what it's on he tells him he has to describe the difference between theory and reality.

    Father replies, "You want to know the difference between theory & reality, huh?... Ok, go upstairs and ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    So the son goes upstairs and a few minutes later comes back down. "Dad, Mom said Yes, she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    Ok, go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    So the son goes upstairs and a few minutes later comes back down. "Dad, Marissa said Yes, she would sleep with a stranger for a million dollars."

    Dad says, "Well there ya go son. In theory we're sitting on two million dollars... In reality, we just live with a bunch of whores!"

    ...in reality men would do it for less than half of that.

    Half? Most in here have probably PAID to do it.

  • ishmadale wrote:
    shavendawg wrote:
    BrownsFan1313 wrote: A horse walks into a bar. 

    Bartender says "why the long face"

    Man walkes into a bar.The second one ducks. 

    A dyslexic man walked into a bra

    How did the dyslexic man commit suicide? 

    He jumped behind the bus.