OT: Bad Joke Time

OT: Bad Joke Time

Arrow5
  • A man got in a car accident with a dwarf, who got out of his car and said, "I'm not happy!" The man replied, "Well, which one are you?"

  • What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
    A private tutor.

  • What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
    A cherry float.

  • On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other. The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack. The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack. The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood. Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city. The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "Goddammit, I didn't!"

  • What do you call epileptic lettuce?

    Seizure salad.

  • A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?" The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"

  • If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

    Plastic explosives.

  • A mentally challenged man walks up to this guy and asks, "Can you help me? I'm trying to spell the word 'orange.'" The guy responds, "What a dummy, didn't your mom teach you?" The man answers, "No." "Ever?" says the guy. "No," responds the mentally challenged man. The guy responds, "Okay, which one are you trying to spell, the color or the fruit?"

  • What is the difference between the Flying Wallendas and the Rockettes?

    One act features a cunning arrays of stunts...

  • Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

  • A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

  • There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

  • A man walks into a bar and sees a pianist, who is only one foot tall, playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?" The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want." The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head. The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!" And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

  • Q: Why did the worker get fired from the furniture factory?
    A: Because he couldn’t even make an easy chair.

  • The Game Warden stopped by a farmers place and told him he was turned in for poaching deer. The farmer told him he must have the wrong person. The Warden asked him if he minds if he takes a look around, The farmer said go ahead, just stay out of the upper field. The Warden points at the badge on his shirt and says "You see this F'n badge? It says I can go anywhere I want." The warden goes to check the upper field while the farmer stands with his arms folded over the gate. 2 min later the warden is running as fast as he can across the field with a big mean bull right on his backside. The farmer yells, "SHOW HIM YOUR F'N BADGE!!!!!!"

  • I told my psychiatrist, "My wife sent me here because I like pancakes." She said, "Liking pancakes doesn't make you crazy. I like pancakes too." I said, "Great! Come down to the house. I got a whole basement full!"

  • A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."

  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I have lost three days already.

  • I've been searching for my ex-girlfriend's killer for over a year, but I still haven't found someone willing to do it.

  • A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

  • Why do females have legs?

    So they don't leave a trail like a snail.

  • The doctor was making his rounds when he turned a corner in the ward only to see a panic strickened patient about to run past him, desperately clutching his crotch. About 40 feet down the hall was a nurse wearing rubber gloves and trying to keep pace by holding a bedpan full of steaming water.

    “No, Nurse Lipscomb! I told you you needed to prick his boil!”

    This post was edited by Vaark 5 months ago

  • Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
    He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

  • I got in a fight one time with a really big tough guy who said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

  • Little Bobby's teacher asked everyone to draw something exciting. Isabel drew a puppy, Jeffrey drew a cake, and little Bobby drew a period. The teacher looked puzzled and asked Bobby, "How is this exciting?" Bobby said, "Well it may not be to you, but my sister is missing two, so there is a lot of excitement at my house."